You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize