I could make wine with my vomit
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
