Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
