I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
