just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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