I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
