happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Its about making memories worth repressing
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
they need to just BURY HIM!
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
