I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I have fence marks all over my body
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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