fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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