Redeem this text for a blowjob
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
