I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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