I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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