I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
