my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
