I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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