i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
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