He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
