Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
