Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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