Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
