my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Randomize
