i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
