How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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