Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
