I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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