My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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