Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
