I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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