Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
