Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
