I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
