So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
