Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
