Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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