As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
