how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
