how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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