If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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