I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize