Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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