I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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