did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
