He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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