Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Can you bring me the toilet please
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
