Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Randomize
