I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
