o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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