When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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