apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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