I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
my poor anus
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
