Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
