he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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