Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Randomize
