guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I woke up under a house in Key West
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
