Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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