i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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