lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize