I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
